The 2024 All-Pac-12 Expats Team
The conference may be dead but talent never dies
Now that the dust has settled on the first season of football without the nation’s leading source of gridiron LOL (or LMAO, even) energy, it’s worth stacking up who emerged from the ashes of the Pacific-12 Conference this fall.
Between bona fide Heisman Trophy front-runners like Ashton Jeanty of Boise State and Colorado University’s Travis Hunter and ADHD battering ram Cam Skattebo of ASU, there was no shortage of top-notch play from the ghosts of the Pac-12 in 2024.
Sadly, thanks to decades of executive level ineptitude and good old fashioned greed, all of them were forced to toll their labors in garbage patch places like the “Big 12” or “Big Ten,” which are money laundering fronts for short-sighted TV executives.
While I could get lost in the sauce dissecting for the thousandth time about the death of our nation’s eminent source of drunken football, I’ll take the high road and focus instead on the players on the Left Coast that deserved to be notice in 2024.
As someone who looks at defense as a necessary evil to make the sport function, I’m only going to focus my attention on god’s side of the field, also known as offense, picking the first-ever “All Pac-12 Expats Team” in college football history.
Most of these picks are based on what I can only describe as “Football Vibes,” and no, I will not be taking questions about who I picked, thank you very much.
Without further ado, enjoy the meaningless accolades, folks!
ALL-PAC-12 EXPATS TEAM, 1ST TEAM:
QB: Shedeur Sanders (Colorado)
Stats: 337/454 (74.2%), 3,926 passing yards, 35 TDs (8 INT)
Do you know how much it pains me as a CSU alum to start this thing with a Colorado University player?
Well, it’s a lot of pain, but that’s the deal I signed up for when I took it upon myself to write snarky shit about the ghost of the Pac-12, so I’m OK with it.
Sanders should be one of (if not the) first quarterbacks taken in the NFL Draft and I can’t blame whichever NFL GM named Todd or Steve eventually does so, because the dude can sling it.
It’s a shame that Shedeur had to play for his used car salesman of a father, because I would love the dude if he suited up for anyone besides Colorado University or ASU.
RB1: Ashton Jeanty (Boise State)
Stats: 344 carries, 2,497 rushing yards (7.3 YPC), 29 touchdowns, 20 catches, 116 yards, 1 touchdown
Goddamn, do I love watching Ashton Jeanty play the game of football. The dude literally looks like Jason from those horrible horror films in the backfield, but chomps chunks of ass by the yard for Boise State as the epitome of the every down back.
I have no notes whatsoever here that are the least bit constructive about how much of an asskicking running back Jeanty is, I just can only muster bits and pieces about how much I love the man’s game in every sense possible.
Give the dude the Heisman, I don’t care what any of the nerds that have an actual vote think. The man deserves it for running for more than 2,400 against eight (or nine) men in the box every damn time he takes the ball from the pint-sized dude taking snaps at QB for the Broncos this season.
RB2: Cam Skattebo (Arizona State)
Stats: 263 carries, 1,568 yards (6.0 YPC), 19 touchdowns, 37 catches, 506 yards, 3 touchdowns
How the hell Cam Skattebo went from FCS also-ran at Sacramento State to the second coming of White Boy Running Back Jesus is an absolute mystery.
What I can tell you is that the broiest running back in ASU’s established history of brodom is beating ass for Kenny Dillingham this year.
Skattebo ran for 1,372 yards and 31 touchdowns during his second and final season at Sacramento State, but was held to 783 yards and nine scores a year ago in his first campaign with Dillingham in Tempe.
He’s now assumed a deity-like status in the East Valley, giving millions of dudes named Brayden that are about to flunk out of business school someone to look up to as ASU prepares to get its collective ass hatched by the winner of Texas and Clemson’s first round clash in the CFP quarterfinals.
WR1: Tetairoa McMillan (Arizona)
Stats: 84 catches, 1,319 yards, 8 touchdowns
I get that Hunter is likely to win the second Heisman in Colorado University history, but what McMillan did for the walking stiff known as Brent Brennan deserves its share of accolades.
The junior out of Servite High School was the only person who understood how the rules of football work in Tucson this fall, thriving in the face of program-wide stupidity.
His 1,319 receiving yards ranked third in the FBS during the regular season, behind Nick Nash of San José State and Bowling Green tight end Harold Fannin Jr., but are No. 1 in our hearts and minds.
Give the man a knockoff Heisman for having to deal with Brennan’s lei-wearing ass, is what I’m saying, pretty much.
WR2: Travis Hunter (Colorado)
Stats: 92 catches, 1,152 yards, 14 touchdowns/21 tackles, 11 pass deflections, 4 interceptions, 1 TFL
Look, I get it, Hunter’s going to win the Heisman Trophy so why in Jesus’ holy name do I have him as my No. 2 wideout on this list?
The answer is simple: Mind your damn business, thank you very much. McMillan gets top honors for what he did with a glorified stiff of a head coach.
The knock-off sunglass salesman known as “Coach Prime” actually knows ball, so McMillan gets the benefit of surviving Brennan’s dipshittery*.
* Dipshittery is not a word, but I’m using it, thank you very much.
TE: Jack Endries (Cal)
Stats: 49 catches, 562 yards, 2 touchdowns
Endries had the most receiving yards of any tight end in the ghost of what was the Pacific-12, so he gets the spot here.
Also, Cal head coach Justin Wilcox deserves something nice after a season where he snatched defeat from victory’s grasp five times by a combined total of … 49 points.
ALL-PAC-12 EXPATS TEAM, 2ND TEAM:
QB: Dillon Gabriel (Oregon)
Stats: 297/406 (73.2%), 3,558 yards, 28 touchdowns (6 INTs)/13 carries, 63 yards, 7 touchdowns
Gabriel managed to escape the incompetent clutches of Oklahoma head coach Brent Venables, thriving in the services of America’s leading Football Asshole (complimentary, I swear), Daniel Lanning.
The UCF-turned-OU-turned Oregon QB threw for less yardage in 2024 versus his second and final season in Norman (3,558 versus 3,660) but looked immaculate doing so, so he gets the nod here for the QB2 spot on our list.
I hope Gabriel and Lanning pull out all the stops and pages of the FBS rulebook to beat the brakes off of whichever team emerges from the first round clash of the titans between Ohio State and The University of Tennessee.
RB1: Marquez Cooper (San Diego State)
Stats: 292 carries, 1,274 yards (4.4 YPC), 12 touchdowns/20 catches, 137 yards, 2 touchdowns
Cooper, like McMillan, makes the list here by surviving in the face of coaching ineptitude, doing so in this case under the tutelage of Sean Lewis.
Lewis took over from America’s Sweetheart, Brady “Choke Job” Hoke, riding what once was well-oiled machine into the gutters of Mission Valley in Year One on The Mesa.
Cooper was great, though, running for 1,274 yards on a dead-end, 3-9 mess of a SDSU team, which warrants a spot on this list on its own.
He also warrants mention for running for 1,000 yards for not one, not two, but three FBS programs — doing so with Kent State, Ball State and San Diego State in three straight seasons.
While none of the three are actual states, it’s worth stating that that’s quite the feat right there, so we’re going to give Cooper this one to make up for putting up with Lewis’ gridiron ineptitude this fall in his final collegiate season.
RB2: Jordan James (Oregon)
Stats: 226 carries, 1,253 yards (5.5 YPC), 15 touchdowns/24 catches, 202 yards, 0 touchdowns
James, unlike Cooper, was the beneficiary of excellent football gamesmanship in 2024, with Lanning using the third-year back to perfection all year long.
The Nashville native returned his coach’s aptitude by running for a career high 1,253 yards in 13 games, turning Big Ten defenses into blocks of Swiss cheese along the way.
WR1: Jordyn Tyson (Arizona State)
Stats: 75 catches, 1,101 yards, 10 touchdowns
While the parents of ASU’s top receiver might have misspelled their son’s name, we cannot fault the youngster for his actual play on the fields of the Big 16.
That’s because the sophomore wideout out of Texas absolutely owned whichever cornerback lined up against him all year long, with 75 catches after not playing much at all in his first two seasons at ASU.
Congrats to Tyson for all of this, because this blurb will be the last nice thing I have to say about the Sun Devils this football season.
WR2: Kyle Williams (Washington State)
Stats: 60 catches, 1,026 yards, 13 touchdowns
Sure, Washington State ‘Couged It Up’ down the stretch by losing to such football luminaries as *checks notes* New Mexico, Oregon State and Wyoming … down the stretch, but damn can the senior from Inglewood get up to no good on the field for Wazzu.
Williams thrived in spite of Jake Dickert’s best attempts to steer Washington State’s battered boat into the nearest jetty, warranting him a spot on our “All-Pac-12 Expats” list.
TE: Matt Lauter (Boise State)
Stats: 43 catches, 523 yards, 6 touchdowns
Lauter was an absolute safety net in the most complimentary sense possible for Boise State this season, using his 6’3 frame to box out whichever linebacker or safety was unfortunate enough to line up against him this fall.
Lauter’s 523 yards were the second-most of any tight end in the ghost of the Pac-12 footprint, netting him the final spot on our list for 2024.
Congrats to the junior out of America’s Finest City (San Diego) and everyone else that made the inaugural “All-Pac-12 Expats Team” for the year!