How The West Was Won: Stacking Up The Pac-12 Diaspora In Week 8
How The West Was Won: Stacking Up The Pac-12 Diaspora In Week 8
Can Oregon avoid an upset bid in West Lafayette? Will Stanford score any points at all? INTRIGUE!
Welcome back to another week of amateur hour football, with a Friday night of frights for Dan Lanning and the Oregon Ducks and a host of games we’ll all forget about as soon as the final whistle bellows.
Last week was a mixed bag of success for me, dear reader, posting a 9-6 record on the moneyline but an abysmal 4-11 mark against the spread, thanks to some razor thin margins out West.
Throw in piss-poor performances by teams like Arizona, Cal, Oregon State and Wyoming and you’ve got the recipe for a bloodbath, which is exactly what we endured last weekend.
Luckily for my psyche, my picks are now 33-15 on the moneyline, which helps takes the edge off when you’re looking down at a 20-26 record ATS.
This weekend, those of us clamoring for the good old days of bad football and even worse commentating (looking at you and your cupcakes, Mark Jones) turn our lonely eyes to the West to see what madness will unfold on the gridirons of the Pac-12 diaspora in Week 8.
Luckily for us, we don’t have to wait long, with No. 2 Oregon heading to Indiana to play the Fighting Choo-Choos from Purdue on FOX in a classic trap game for Lanning and company.
I won’t waste anymore of your time with pleasantries, though, as we have plenty of actual football to discuss.
To the blogosphere we go!
Last Week: 9-6 Straight-up/4-11 ATS
Season: 33-15 Straight-up/20-26 ATS
All Odds Provided By ESPN BET
No. 2 Oregon (6-0) at Purdue (1-5) — 5 p.m. Pacific time Friday (FOX)
Spread: Oregon -29
Our Pick: Oregon wins, 55-31
This has classic trap game vibes to me, though the nation’s eminent NASA factory has been absolute ass for most of the year. This year has already seen former wunderkind Graham Harrell get axes in West Lafayette, with Purdue replacing the former Texas Tech gunslinger with Jason Simmons at offensive coordinator.
The immediate results were promising for Ryan Walters, with Purdue racking up 49 points on the Fighting Bret Bielemas from Illinois last week.
The bad news for Purdue fans is that the Boilmakers’ defense forgot how to tackle, giving up 50 points and 556 yards to the Illini in a 50-49 overtime loss.
While the nation’s brightest amateur football minds are calling for an upset, I’m not going that far … mainly because Purdue is still Purdue and Oregon seems to have gotten over its trap game hangover blues that date back to current Ohio State clip-holder and Ben Affleck stan Chip Kelly.
TL;DR: Oregon wins this one by three scores but does not cover after some crazy hijinks unfold on a Friday night in the Hoosier State.
Fresno State (3-3) at Nevada (3-4) — 7:30 p.m. Pacific time Friday (CBS Sports Network)
Spread: Fresno State -3
Our Pick: Fresno State wins, 31-20
I am legitimately amazed that this Wolf Pack team rose up from the depths of a Reno casino floor to upset the plucky Oregon State Beavers last weekend.
That’s exactly what happened, though, with UNR pulling off a 42-37 win at home despite getting 52 yards on 5/12 passing from quarterback Brendon Lewis.
Nevada enters Friday night’s “MWC After Dark” contest against a Fresno State team that got its ass hatched by Washington State at home a week ago, with the beatdown far exceeding the modest 25-17 final score.
Fresno State heads up I-80 to Reno on Friday night looking to beat that ass, which is exactly what they’ll do against an overconfident Wolf Pack team in the bleary hours of a weeknight this week.
UCLA (1-5) at Rutgers (4-2) — 9 a.m. Pacific time Saturday (Big Ten Network)
Spread: Rutgers -4.5
Our Pick: Rutgers wins, 17-10
This clash of the sweatsuit-clad titans has been circled on our collective calendars for all the wrong reasons since the day the Pac-12 was murdered by UCLA and USC.
That’s right, readers, it’s time for the Bruins to get that TV money by making a 2,400-mile flight to Newark and play a Rutgers team that’ll run the ball 75 times and kick just enough field goals to make UCLA cry uncle.
At least most of America will be spared from having to watch this eyesore, though, as it’ll be aired on the Big Ten’s TV network, which is a grace from Jim Delaney himself now that we think of it.
Arizona State (5-1) at Cincinnati (4-2) — 9 a.m. Pacific time Saturday (ESPN+)
Spread: Cincy -5
Our Pick: Cincinnati wins, 27-20
The trendiest ‘Elderly Millennial” in college football right now might be a former clipboard carrier in the East Valley, with ASU’s Kenny Dillingham firing on all cylinders out of the gates in 2024.
Thanks to the two-headed push of a piss poor schedule and some lucky breaks (notably the throwing arm of Utah’s aged wonder Cam Rising), ASU is 5-1 for the year, causing America’s future used car lot sales people in training to gloat with glee in Tempe.
Those good vibes are over, though, with Cam Skattebo’s bro-tastic start to the year running into the immovable object that is jet lag.
But seriously, hope that TV paycheck was worth it, ASU fans, because you’re about to get a lot more of the fun that is a 9 a.m. kickoff on a streaming service in the years to come.
Cal (3-3) vs. NC State (3-4) — 12:30 p.m. Pacific time Saturday (ACC Network)
Spread: Cal -10
Our Pick: Cal wins, 16-10
This is now the fourth game in a row (where I’ve been in the country to write about such things) where I’ve picked the Golden Bears to win.
What’s my record in those contests, you may ask? Well, that’s none of your business and I shall not disclose such things, thank you very much.
I’m going with the Calgorithm to overwhelm Dave Doeren’s Drake-educated brain, with the Bears winning a rock fight in Berkeley that no one will enjoy watching (except for the memes, of course).
Washington State (5-1) vs. Hawaii (2-4) — 12:30 p.m. Pacific time Saturday (CW Network)
Spread: Washington State -19
Our Pick: Washington State wins, 27-7
For the love of god, can we please get Pete Carroll into a lei and on a plane headed straight for Honolulu post haste?
Watching the Rainbow Warriors flop around the fields of the West makes me nostalgic for the days of June Jones and the exploits of outcasts like Colt Brennan (RIP) and Timmy Chang.
Sadly for UH fans, Chang is back in Honolulu as the ‘Bows head coach, which has gone spectacularly horrible for all involved.
Folks, it’s time to get the former USC star head coach to Honolulu. Luckily for you, I went ahead and drew up what such a sight would look like:
Make the call, Hawaii. Save us from years of mediocre football in America’s happiest football outpost.
USC (3-3) at Maryland (3-3) 1 p.m. Pacific time Saturday (FS1)
Spread: USC -7
Our Pick: USC wins, 38-17
In another example of greed gone wrong, USC’s decision to abscond from America’s greatest collective of AAU programs and outcasts for the Bloated Ten gives us this eyesore of a game.
The Trojans can at least count on thousands of drunk Orange County natives to make the short trek from their Northern Virginia McMansions to College Park to belt out Fight On Trojans and watch what should be a miserable game for all involved.
Luckily for future Dallas Cowboys head coach Lincoln Riley, very few beat writers from SoCal will bother to make the trek across the country to bother him in the postgame press conference.
Utah State (1-5) vs. New Mexico (2-4) — 1 p.m. Pacific time Saturday (TruTV)
Spread: UNM -2
Our Pick: UNM wins, 17-14
There might not be a greater injustice to athletes than having your on-field exploits disseminated on the same channel that counts “Impractical Jokers” as its marquee programming.
That’s exactly what the Lobos and Aggies are faced with this week, though, as the boys from TruTV get what should be a slop show in Logan this weekend.
In such scenarios, there are no real ‘winners,’ with viewers, announcers and athletes all shedding a bit of their souls in front of hundreds of viewers and fans on a Saturday afternoon along the Wasatch.
Arizona (3-3) vs. Colorado (4-2) — 1 p.m. Pacific time Saturday (FOX)
Spread: Arizona -3
Our Pick: Arizona wins, 32-28
America’s finest purveyor of football malfeasance puked up another one in Provo a week ago, with the Arizona Wildcats looking like an overmatched FCS team against the unbeaten Cougars.
This week, I’m giving Brent Brennan’s bunch the ultimate kiss of death by siding with them over the country’s favorite AFLAC spokesperson — thanks in large part to the glorious helmets the Wildcats are trotting out for Homecoming (see below).
Colorado State (3-3) at Air Force (1-5) — 5 p.m. Pacific time Saturday (CBS Sports Network)
Spread: CSU -7
Our Pick: CSU wins, 27-17
It seems like my decision to pick against my alma mater has worked out pretty well for Jay Norvell and company so far, with the Rams beating San José State last week just to spite me for saying they’d get their asses kicked in Fort Collins.
This week, I’m a changed man, mostly due to the fact that Air Force has looked awful this season and CSU having a decent running game (despite billing itself as an Air Raid team under Norvell’s “leadership”).
In what could be one of the final showdowns of the coveted Ram-Falcon Trophy, I’m going with CSU to win another 60-minute clusterfuck — doing just enough to overcome the 25 penalties and countless missed tackles that’ll rear their ugly head in Colorado Springs.
Stanford (2-4) vs. No. 21 SMU (5-1) — 5 p.m. Pacific time Saturday (ACC Network)
Spread: SMU -16.5
Our Pick: SMU wins, 45-10
The only highlight this year for the Cardinal has been the Stanford Band’s halftime shows, which tells you how far the program’s fallen since David Shaw lost his fastball in Palo Alto.
Two of the three ACC newcomers meet in the Bay Area this weekend, with natural rivals Southern Methodist University and Stanford duking it out in front of thousands of bored nerds that have nothing else better to do with this Saturday evenings.
I’m going with the 21st ranked Ponies to get the express lane to victory on Saturday, sending Stanford further into the abyss as the football season heads towards its merciful end along the banks of the San Francisco Bay.
Oregon State (4-2) vs. UNLV (5-1) — 7 p.m. Pacific time Saturday night (CW Network)
Spread: UNLV -7
Our Pick: UNLV wins, 44-31
We head to Corvallis for Saturday’s CW Network nightcap this week, setting the stage for what should be a punchdrunk showdown between the Beavers and Rebels.
It’s hard to find a more disparate showdown, with UNLV leading the nation in points per game scored (48.3) despite ranking 118th nationally in passing yards per game (174.7), thanks to doing the lord’s work by running the damn ball over and over again.
This year, the Rebels rank fifth nationally in rushing yards per game, at 262.0 YPG, helping aid a defense that ranks 54th in points allowed (22.2).
The story is much the same for the Beavers this year, with OSU averaging the sixth most rushing yards nationally (256.0 YPG) to overcome an anemic passing game that ranks 107th in the FBS (184.7 YPG).
Sadly for OSU, their defense is even worse than UNLV’s, giving up 26.3 PPG on average (good for 85th nationally), which is why I’m going with Barry Odom’s team to reach bowl eligibility inside the house of horror known as Reser Stadium on Saturday night.
Utah (4-2) vs. TCU (3-3) — 7:30 p.m. Pacific time Saturday (ESPN)
Spread: Utah -3.5
Our Pick: TCU wins, 23-17
I’m done picking Utah to win until someone shows me signs of life on the offensive side of the ball in the SLC.
Utah has looked (extreme Charles Barkley voice) terrible on offense this year, with Rising’s latest fall leaving the ball in the hands of backup QB Isaac Wilson.
Wilson has been terrible in his own right, posting the 100th best QBR in the country at 43.7 with more picks (7) than touchdown passes (6), which is why I’m going with Sonny Dykes here.
I hear you all saying that TCU lost to Houston, SMU and UCF of all teams, but I can’t hear you over the sound of Utah’s quarterbacks chucking ducks across the manicured grass inside Rice Eccles Stadium all fall long.
That’s why I’m going with TCU in a El Paso Brand spice level upset to cap off the week, with Utah left to wonder which ninth year starter they can pluck from the stands to finish out the season now that Rising is out for the year.